Don't Go iCrazy

I admit it—I’m pathologically attached to my smartphone. I cradle and cherish it, much like I didn’t cradle and cherish the speckled egg I was given in ninth grade as an infant substitute (which my Serbian grandmother proceeded to cook that evening because I left it on the kitchen table and she, reasonably enough, figured I wanted a poached delicacy for dinner).

I mean, let’s be real. Unless someone took an Instagram or tweeted about that tree falling in the forest, that ish totally did not happen. 

The problem is, even when I’m not particularly interested in communing with the hordes of my socially entangled fellow milllennials, it’s kind of hard to steer clear of technology. The other day, I was having lunch on the Boston waterfront with one of my best friends, and I was doing my damnedest to focus exclusively on her and the upcoming chicken flautas. I had my phone in my purse, my iPad charging at home, and my laptop dreaming of electric sheep, or whatever it does when you let it fall sleep with the screen up because closing it just feels so final. I had that customary gnawing feeling of the world having moved on (to all you Dark Tower fans…let us palaver) without me, but I was dealing.

And then the waiter brought us the menus. AND THEY WERE IPADS. This establishment had decided that catering to its hip, young clientele required—nay, mandated—iPads in lieu of ye olde paper menus. To add insult to injury, my friend’s iMenu actually froze, and mine featured crusted guacamole across the back, along with the smears of thousands of other gross fingers tapping and swiping.

We are all like so.

Lesson being, if Mohammad won’t come to the mountain, the mountain will thrust an iPad at him. With that in mind, here are some suggestions for minimizing the stress of being plugged in every minute of the day.

Don’t funnel your all your e-mails—especially your work e-mail—into your gmail or other primary account. If you’re like me, you check your gmail well into the night, and being exposed to work messages when you’re trying to unwind will lead to many unnecessary cocktails, which will then leave unsightly circles on your bedside table.

Attempt quiet time. Try not to check your phone constantly for e-mail, Facebook, and twitter updates while you’re reading.  Even just putting your various devices on silent helps.

Do not under any circumstances star friends on facebook, even if they are your bestest bffs and omg you love them SO MUCH and must know what they are doing. I had no idea what prolific posters my favorite people were until I starred them. The constant updating is on the verge of making my phone melt. If I weren’t so busy and constantly besieged by the rest of my life, I would take the time to figure out how to unstar them. Please don’t suffer as I have. 

Photo credit: PaulWicks at en.wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:BrainGate.jpg) [CC-BY-SA-2.5 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.5)], from Wikimedia Common